Damn It, It's a Leap Year

"This weather's no good for growing things."

February is my month of unintentional wallowing.
It’s the month I see bad things happen to good people. In February, New York City competition hits me hard. I lose my self-confidence and wear too much black eyeliner to try to compensate. (It doesn’t work.) February is when I meet sadness head-on, year after year, and let it wash over me. February is cold and dark and in February I am cold and dark. It is the shortest month of the year and always manages to feel the longest.

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"They say that home is where the heart is. I guess I haven't found my home."

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​"Said pick me up, at three a.m., you're fighting with your mom again, and I'd go, I'd go, I'd go."

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​"I guess we're all one phone call from our knees."

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​"Why'd you bring me to my favorite place? A little wine and everything's okay? ​Are we really gonna end this way?"

Songs for the Acceptance of February’s Melancholy 
Wild World – Cat Stevens
Chemo Limo – Regina Spektor
Skinny Love – Birdy
In The Shadows Tonight – Megan & Liz
Sailboat – Ben Rector
Sunshine – Bean
Vienna – Billy Joel
Father and Son – Cat Stevens
Last Supper – Edens Edge
When You Sleep – Mary Lambert
Are We There Yet? – Ingrid Michaelson
Blue – Joni Mitchell
I Miss You – Kacey Musgraves
Somewhere With You – Kenny Chesney
Shut Up Train – Little Big Town
Rochester – Mat Kearney
Closer to Love – Mat Kearney
Learning To Love Again – Mat Kearney
Summer in the City – Regina Spektor
Manhattan – Sara Bareilles
(watch her performance at the Variety Playhouse)
Machine Gun – Sara Bareilles
She Used To Be Mine – Sara Bareilles
A Place In This World – Taylor Swift 
(bonus points if you buy her Live from SoHo performance)
Tied Together With A Smile – Taylor Swift
  
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In March, the wounds of the last month are still fresh,
​but it is easier to move forward than it is stay in February’s rut. March is the month when spring technically begins, but any New Yorker knows that the change of seasons doesn’t come for many weeks after the equinox; though the calendar says March is green and budding, the forecast says otherwise. My playlists do the same: each year I watch my preferences transition from February’s outward angst to March’s trying to suppress those feelings. I turn to pop music, to bitter and angry music, to don't-think-about-all-the-things-you-can't-stop-thinking-about music. In March, you have to float above your feelings with upbeat, happy music, lest you cry in the dining hall after a particularly bad Wednesday night class. 
    

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​"I say what I think 'cause
​it's more economic than drugs or a drink."

​"I'm gonna wipe that smile off
your know-it-all face."

​"You can dance like Beyoncé,
you can shake like Shakira,
'cause you're brave, yeah,
you're fearless and you're beautiful."

Songs for the March Attempts to Avoid 
Brave Honest Beautiful – Fifth Harmony
BO$$ - Fifth Harmony
Sunset Somewhere – Megan & Liz
Dickhead – Kate Nash
Boy Problems – Carly Rae Jepsen
Something Big – Shawn Mendes
Stop & Erase – Selena Gomez
Your Side of Town – Maddie & Tae
Gives You Hell – The All-American Rejects
Honestly – Hot Chelle Rae
Tonight Tonight – Hot Chelle Rae
(that entire album is my guilty pleasure)
Ni**as in Paris – Kanye West & JAY Z
I’m Gone – Jordan Pruitt
Sweet As Whole – Sara Bareilles

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In April, the stitches are coming out. It's the time when you can only bear to look forward. You can wear a lighter jacket and paint your nails bright orange. April demands renewal. April demands something better. April won’t settle for March’s insincerity. April wants instruments you can recognize by ear and words written about reality, for adults, by the adults who are singing them. April is bittersweet. April wants the opposite of March. April forces you to stare life in the face, accept it, and move on to something better. April is raw. April’s pain is still cringe-worthy in its first few weeks. April can be a catharsis, if you're lucky. And April doesn’t take any crap.
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"Sick of leaving things half done,
​leaving things half said."

"Maybe I've got two hearts and
one part won't give you up."

​"If I kiss you where it's sore,
will you feel better, better, better?
​Will you feel anything at all?"

​"Going back to Nashville,
thinking about the whole thing,
guess you gotta run sometimes."

Songs for April’s High Standards
America’s Sweetheart – Elle King
Make You Smile – Elle King 
(and the rest of her album!)
Best That I Can – Vance Joy
(and the rest of his album!)
The Beat – Ben Rector
Almost Home – Ben Rector
As She’s Walking Away – Zac Brown Band 
Nashville – David Mead
 I Got Nothin’ – Darius Rucker
Roots – Edens Edge
You Know I’m No Good – Amy Winehouse
Never Know – Elizabeth Huett
Pumped Up Kicks – Foster the People
Two Hearts – Gavin James
Someone New – Hozier
Nothing Like Starting Over – Hunter Hayes
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing – Jack Johnson
Both Sides Now (Acoustic) – Joni Mitchell
Merry Happy – Kate Nash
Dead Sea – The Lumineers
Heart On My Sleeve – Mary Lambert
Better – Regina Spektor
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Every year the winter months break me down and force me to piece myself back together again. These are the songs that help me do it. If you can relate, I hope they help you, too.
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Winter in New York City.
Taken on February 6, 2016.